It took me 19years to finally realise that all these while, I've been living, trying so hard to meet peoples' expectations of myself. Days had been hard, and a struggle when I get frustrated with myself, asking: "What and why the hell am I doing this?" I don't really know what hit me but now I just don't give a shit anymore. Things that I do may harm myself but as long as I'm feeling good or better than shit, it's worth it for me. I mean, who am I trying to please really? At times, I just walk away without giving a reason. Yes, sometimes it's because I really don't care but SOMETIMES, it's really because it's just best for me to do so. I know at times I can't control it no matter how hard my brain is fighting for it. I don't want to explain because it's not worth the explanation. Anyway, I just don't know how to. "It's okay, I understand." It's not enough and at times, it's really not what I want to hear because you don't. People had been clueless. Some are disappointed. And a few gave up. So what's the point. It is unfair for me to say all these because then, what do I expect you to say? Say nothing. Really. And stop pushing. I know what I'm doing. Okay, that's bullshit. Most of the time, I'm not aware of anything. And that's the hardest part.
I am aware that life is nothing about rainbows, but it takes optimism to make it meaningful. At this point, I don't know am I being way too optimistic about life or maybe I've lost it a long, long time ago. But I think I do know that I'm still searching for a meaning in this. I am now not ashamed to admit that I lost my faith and religion. I don't see a point in doing something that's meaningless now. I'm not angry, I just lost it. Maybe one day I'll find my way back again. People care, I know. But I really don't want them to. It's making me feel more burdened. I don't want to be dependent on anyone, if I could. Being emotionally attached to someone can be pretty frightening as it takes in responsibility. It's exhausting inside out. But there are a few that I find myself being too comfortable with, that I'd do anything to not lose them. I treasure them to bits and pieces. And I step away from these people most of the time. I guess it's better to make things stay as good memories than to let things turn sour and reconciling these memories can be a stab in the chest.
I used to question life about betrayal but in the end, I stopped being curious because there isn't any logical explanation. You may cry and be disappointed, continuously asking why. Okay, I don't know how to end that sentence but what I'm saying is just that I've stopped asking and just accept the fact that everyone around you has the potential to screw up your life anytime they feel like it. It's just your choice to give them the green light to do it.
I don't know what else to say. Just that I'm turning 20 and things will get uglier than today, every single damn day.
