Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Wednesday truth.
When I sound positive or am being positive, I'm actually trying to brainwash myself into thinking that these shit are just temporary and it will soon be over. When I'm openly negative, it means I've already given up trying to look at it in a positive way so when I say fuck it, I mean it to the core of my hatred heart. Which all of these bringing to the main reason why I don't share what I'm thinking or what I'm going through. Telling me "hang in there, I feel you" is just gonna piss me off even more because you don't and admit it, most of us blatantly say them just for the sake of saying it. I don't mean to sound unappreciative but I need solutions, not another read-from-the-book comfort.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Reality dream.
My friends and I left Singapore and reached Larkin. From there, we walked to an old HDB-looking flat. For some reasons, we were on the 11th floor. As usual, a few of us who were fast, went on to press the open-door button. By the time the rest came in and the door was about to close, this group of aunties called for us so I pressed on to the open-door button again. As they reached and stood in front of us, the lift just went down, with the doors opened. Shocked, we stood inwards, waiting for it to close. It did at the next floor, but it wouldn't stop although there were people waiting for the lift at every floor. It just kept going down, slowly..
At the first floor, the lift stopped but the door did not open. We peeped trough the 'window' and it was a dusty storage basement, only getting light from the sun. So you can imagine only the space nearer to the outer space was a little brighter and it grew dimmer inside. And at the brighter spot, there was this little girl in a vintage maroon dress, squatting down. To our horror, she was chewing off a rat. She turned and suddenly the lift went downwards and inwards, creating a loop route back to the first floor. And the lift stopped. The door opened slowly even though we prayed hard that it wouldn't. Quickly pressing the close-door button, the girl managed to run in, half crawling motion, exactly like a cat. We stood really still, trying not to come in contact with her and quickly get out on the second floor. That's when she looked at me and started licking my leg.
I don't know how but she got back to the first floor and we managed to get out of the building where my parents were waiting to pick us up. As we were walking out, none of us said a thing, but we all knew she was a human girl, left on her own to feed herself, only learning survival skills from what's closest to her, cats. Just like the kids from the horror film Mama.
Something struck me and I knew I just couldn't leave her behind. I took my dad's phone and called the police. I wanted to call the Singapore authorities but remembered we were already in Malaysia. I took my time explaining and giving the best directions to the officer on the other line. I had the same odd habit in my dream, as in reality, where I'd walk around while talking on the phone. Out of the blue there was a small fire scene and the firemen and trucks arrived. Thinking that they link, I asked the officer if he's aware of a fire near Larkin and he said yes. So I told him we're just in front of that scene and the girl is at the first floor.
I couldn't remember how long the phone call took but it was already late evening. Suddenly, the officer on the line was quiet and he didn't answer to my questions. Finally, I heard a splashing sound, and worst, a yawn. I got pissed so I raised my voice and said, "Encik! Please don't tell me you fell asleep!" He laughed and apologized saying he can't help it because of his previous late shift. I got furious and scolded, "How can you do that. Aku tau ah kau penat but this is a life we're talking about. It's your job. Aku tak kisah, make sure you do something about this. Now." He repeatedly agreed and said he'd do something about it right away.
I woke up, having mixed feelings. It's sad that it's true. This is how the police system works in Malaysia. No one is afraid of them and they're not intending to do their job properly. Adding the increasingly intense racial issues among the uneducated citizens, they're not gonna help those who aren't of 'their own people'.
And god, I have no way to emphasize more about the passersby-effect. If you see something unusual, trust your instincts, get help. Help others. Your instincts may sometimes be wrong, but what if you're right? A burden could be lightened, a life could be saved..
At the first floor, the lift stopped but the door did not open. We peeped trough the 'window' and it was a dusty storage basement, only getting light from the sun. So you can imagine only the space nearer to the outer space was a little brighter and it grew dimmer inside. And at the brighter spot, there was this little girl in a vintage maroon dress, squatting down. To our horror, she was chewing off a rat. She turned and suddenly the lift went downwards and inwards, creating a loop route back to the first floor. And the lift stopped. The door opened slowly even though we prayed hard that it wouldn't. Quickly pressing the close-door button, the girl managed to run in, half crawling motion, exactly like a cat. We stood really still, trying not to come in contact with her and quickly get out on the second floor. That's when she looked at me and started licking my leg.
I don't know how but she got back to the first floor and we managed to get out of the building where my parents were waiting to pick us up. As we were walking out, none of us said a thing, but we all knew she was a human girl, left on her own to feed herself, only learning survival skills from what's closest to her, cats. Just like the kids from the horror film Mama.
Something struck me and I knew I just couldn't leave her behind. I took my dad's phone and called the police. I wanted to call the Singapore authorities but remembered we were already in Malaysia. I took my time explaining and giving the best directions to the officer on the other line. I had the same odd habit in my dream, as in reality, where I'd walk around while talking on the phone. Out of the blue there was a small fire scene and the firemen and trucks arrived. Thinking that they link, I asked the officer if he's aware of a fire near Larkin and he said yes. So I told him we're just in front of that scene and the girl is at the first floor.
I couldn't remember how long the phone call took but it was already late evening. Suddenly, the officer on the line was quiet and he didn't answer to my questions. Finally, I heard a splashing sound, and worst, a yawn. I got pissed so I raised my voice and said, "Encik! Please don't tell me you fell asleep!" He laughed and apologized saying he can't help it because of his previous late shift. I got furious and scolded, "How can you do that. Aku tau ah kau penat but this is a life we're talking about. It's your job. Aku tak kisah, make sure you do something about this. Now." He repeatedly agreed and said he'd do something about it right away.
I woke up, having mixed feelings. It's sad that it's true. This is how the police system works in Malaysia. No one is afraid of them and they're not intending to do their job properly. Adding the increasingly intense racial issues among the uneducated citizens, they're not gonna help those who aren't of 'their own people'.
And god, I have no way to emphasize more about the passersby-effect. If you see something unusual, trust your instincts, get help. Help others. Your instincts may sometimes be wrong, but what if you're right? A burden could be lightened, a life could be saved..
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Closer
I could just sit at this same spot all day without any lights on.
I often feel so sad, not about anything else, but towards myself. I love and hate who I have become of. Are you able to comprehend, which majority will say "yes I do" without really trying to digest these words of mine.
Yes, I am a changed person. Ahh the wonders of shitty situations in life. So it is indeed true when they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." Oh well, here I am, too fucking strong that my emotions no longer comprehend disappointment. This, shall be the flat affect.
Sometimes I believe that I'm so detached with the inner, softer side of me that so much so, it became a place that I never dare to explore ever again. The intense fear. It does drive me crazy.
I inhale the bad, and exhale the good. I can't help it. It's my self defense mechanism, to only see the worst in everyone, every situation. Good that now I'm able to not give a f when things turn sour but I'm feeling pretty robotic for the past months, which I'm pretty sure in some ways, that this is unhealthy.
[ just know that it was you all along who had a hold of my heart but the demon and me were the best of friends from the start ]
I often feel so sad, not about anything else, but towards myself. I love and hate who I have become of. Are you able to comprehend, which majority will say "yes I do" without really trying to digest these words of mine.
Yes, I am a changed person. Ahh the wonders of shitty situations in life. So it is indeed true when they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." Oh well, here I am, too fucking strong that my emotions no longer comprehend disappointment. This, shall be the flat affect.
Sometimes I believe that I'm so detached with the inner, softer side of me that so much so, it became a place that I never dare to explore ever again. The intense fear. It does drive me crazy.
I inhale the bad, and exhale the good. I can't help it. It's my self defense mechanism, to only see the worst in everyone, every situation. Good that now I'm able to not give a f when things turn sour but I'm feeling pretty robotic for the past months, which I'm pretty sure in some ways, that this is unhealthy.
[ just know that it was you all along who had a hold of my heart but the demon and me were the best of friends from the start ]
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Dream high
I'm actually afraid I might be one of those whom they mention in sappy love songs; after years and I'm still holding on. I want to feed myself with hatred and anger, that's how I move on, how I cope with bad situations. But I can't find anymore anger and hatred that's left in me. That's how wonderful you were, you took away all, each and every one of them, away from me. I have no idea about the future but for now, I know I've never loved someone so much, never spent so much time with, never put so much effort, and never got so involved in. But we ended things. Just because we had different dreams to chase after. It's a pretty sad thing huh?
You know how questions of doubts start pouring in after a good relationship ends. I'm actually not afraid of not finding another who would love me as much as you did, but more of me wondering will I ever be able to treat the next person the same way I did to you. It's not a fear, because we both did nothing wrong, but I feel like I'd be cheating on you if I did so.
I've never been so depressed. I've never doubted my own ability to pick myself up and carry on, but this time I do. It's been a week plus since things ended and three days since we both decided to stop contacting for at least a month, to give myself space to move on. I still feel nothing but horrible. I have not been eating, I have not been sleeping well. I've never cried so much. I have yet to be truly happy again.
You know how questions of doubts start pouring in after a good relationship ends. I'm actually not afraid of not finding another who would love me as much as you did, but more of me wondering will I ever be able to treat the next person the same way I did to you. It's not a fear, because we both did nothing wrong, but I feel like I'd be cheating on you if I did so.
I've never been so depressed. I've never doubted my own ability to pick myself up and carry on, but this time I do. It's been a week plus since things ended and three days since we both decided to stop contacting for at least a month, to give myself space to move on. I still feel nothing but horrible. I have not been eating, I have not been sleeping well. I've never cried so much. I have yet to be truly happy again.
-K.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
After all
Hmm. I have a Bio test tomorrow and I have not started anything. I don't know what went wrong. It was since the moment I got up from bed. Nothing seems right. I had sleep but I was being extremely moody and cranky. Classmates said I look damn sick. One of my group mates pissed the fuck out of me that I did not even bother acknowledging him anymore. To reach that point of me, he's great. I can't wait for this semester to be over. It's probably one of the worst. So many things happened. Bad memories coming back. Current things linked with my past, ironically my happy past which made me realized why it had turned so bad now. I hope Armageddon comes.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Come away with me
It's been awhile since I last wrote a proper long post. I actually had another more personal one but then figured that, this blog was the start of everything really good and really bad that happened. So I should probably just stick to this.
I've been doing a lot of self reflecting recently, not that recently but yeah, almost on a regular, daily basis, on my way back in the bus or on my way to work. And it's always accompanied by my 'Study' playlist; Norah Jones, Damien Rice, Olivia Ong, Joshua Radin and some of Alain de Courtenay? Sometimes I can't stand my own sappiness I'd just switch to some happier songs or I'd just give up listening to any altogether.
How am I doing actually? I would not say it's good but I wouldn't complain it's bad. There are so many people out there having worst days than mine so I'm actually pretty grateful with the 'bad' days I have.
But then these few months back I've been contemplating whether to continue being nice to others or not, and I've been really a bitch with my words and remarks these few weeks. I've stopped showing emotions, sympathy, and empathy at times (?) even though, I really want to because it has stuck to me like an old habit. My sister flew back from Perth last week and few days back, on our way out for a drink, we decided to talk about my recent reckless, rude, aggressive, rebellious behavior. It has become so bad to the point where I just refuse to listen to any instruction because I refuse to listen and do everything as instructed.
Uz said he wants to be bad for once, and be an insensitive douchebag. I told him don't ever try to change himself. Having all those hatred and anger in you, it slowly eats you up and it's just f-ing messed up. I'm constantly switching between these two but somehow, I let the self destructive side of me take over eventually because for me, it just feels so damn good. It's a wrong and sick mentality, but that's what the society tells us. Nothing is truly right or wrong. But of course what I'm saying here is self destruction, not ruining other peoples' lives, that's just morally wrong. Honestly, until now, I have no idea what goes on in the head of those who recklessly break the trust of a close bond just for their own benefits. If I could, I wish to be as forgiving as I want to. Come to think of it, I did achieve that, when I first moved here, around that period. I was truly happy, feeling light, nothing bothers/worries me. I was still very faithful to my religion back then, my old entries tells me how much I had faith in God, it was so strong and certain that every single obstacle I face, something good just pops out and an awesome lesson learnt and I could just link everything to God's answers to all my prayers. And I just slipped. I tried. I did. But it wasn't as strong. And it got worst. Now statements and questions about my own religion and faith is the last thing I want to discuss about.
One thing my friend told me that will always stick in my head, "Kat, whatever you're looking for, is looking for you too." and recently out of the blue, he said that to me once again and I made a joke out of it about how I'm not having what I'm looking for and he replied with a stern look, "Kat, you're not looking. You're not. You're just being very fickle minded." He's probably right. I don't even know what I want. For now I'm just filling up all my time with a part time job. And almost every now and then, I crave for a drink. I crave for a smoke sometimes but so far, I'm still able to resist. This shall be my fifth attempt to quit.
You know the recent local production Ah Boys to Men? I was really swooned by the main actor, Joshua Tan (hahahah) and I stumbled upon his blog (he gave it out in his facebook fan page) and there was this entry that said out what I'm feeling at the moment. It was about how others find a need/must to say something negative to bring down your self esteem. My good friend is doing that to me very often recently, but lucky for me, I'm quite vain in a good way where I can don't give a shit about what others have to say about me. Or shall I say that I'm just too lazy to bother or respond? I find people like these are just pure childish and are low in self esteem themselves. There was a part he mentioned how good friends go overboard on jokes and I realised that's what I've been doing to Uz recently and I felt bad, so I'm gonna stop, even if it's a joke. He's a growing guy, I shouldn't say anything that makes him feel negative about his own image. I mean I'm not gonna be fake and say something nice for something that's not, just to be nice, but then, if I can't find something nice to say, why not I just don't say anything? Unless I really don't like you and it kills me to say something nice to you. :)
I have this thought. I just want to live up till 60 maybe. If I've got no family members left by then, I'd find a way to end my own life. I really don't want to get old. I love the elderly really, that's even why I signed up for geriatrics in the first place, but I don't want to be one of them. It's sad to see them, at this age, having no one to care for them. Not a family member bothers coming to see them. I know how they're expecting to grow old living with their children and grandchildren but even if the kids don't want them to move in, I'm very sure they love you enough to agree to not move in together but at least go visit them, have some outing or family day few times a week! Make them look forward to something! Urgh, this world is just too sick, everyone is so self absorbed. Anddd another reason to not have kids. Hmm, well if *touchwood* I do get married and have a kid, I would raise them exactly like how my parents raised us.
So here's my plan for the future. Graduate in 2014, finish my three year bond, get my Advance Diploma or Degree in Australia (maybe?), work 2-3 years in Australia, move to probably one or two more countries and gain some experience, continue until I'm probably 30-35 years old, (wonder if I still have a chance to be a tattoo artist by then), retire and be a volunteer nurse at war countries, die there or if I do survive, travel around the world up till 60. And die. HAHAHAHAH but then yeah, you get the rough idea of what I want to do in the future; gain experience, be a volunteer nurse in war countries, fill my whole body with tattoos, travel, retire early, die early.
Starting to get a little tipsy now. And hungry. Oh god. Goodnight.
I've been doing a lot of self reflecting recently, not that recently but yeah, almost on a regular, daily basis, on my way back in the bus or on my way to work. And it's always accompanied by my 'Study' playlist; Norah Jones, Damien Rice, Olivia Ong, Joshua Radin and some of Alain de Courtenay? Sometimes I can't stand my own sappiness I'd just switch to some happier songs or I'd just give up listening to any altogether.
How am I doing actually? I would not say it's good but I wouldn't complain it's bad. There are so many people out there having worst days than mine so I'm actually pretty grateful with the 'bad' days I have.
But then these few months back I've been contemplating whether to continue being nice to others or not, and I've been really a bitch with my words and remarks these few weeks. I've stopped showing emotions, sympathy, and empathy at times (?) even though, I really want to because it has stuck to me like an old habit. My sister flew back from Perth last week and few days back, on our way out for a drink, we decided to talk about my recent reckless, rude, aggressive, rebellious behavior. It has become so bad to the point where I just refuse to listen to any instruction because I refuse to listen and do everything as instructed.
Uz said he wants to be bad for once, and be an insensitive douchebag. I told him don't ever try to change himself. Having all those hatred and anger in you, it slowly eats you up and it's just f-ing messed up. I'm constantly switching between these two but somehow, I let the self destructive side of me take over eventually because for me, it just feels so damn good. It's a wrong and sick mentality, but that's what the society tells us. Nothing is truly right or wrong. But of course what I'm saying here is self destruction, not ruining other peoples' lives, that's just morally wrong. Honestly, until now, I have no idea what goes on in the head of those who recklessly break the trust of a close bond just for their own benefits. If I could, I wish to be as forgiving as I want to. Come to think of it, I did achieve that, when I first moved here, around that period. I was truly happy, feeling light, nothing bothers/worries me. I was still very faithful to my religion back then, my old entries tells me how much I had faith in God, it was so strong and certain that every single obstacle I face, something good just pops out and an awesome lesson learnt and I could just link everything to God's answers to all my prayers. And I just slipped. I tried. I did. But it wasn't as strong. And it got worst. Now statements and questions about my own religion and faith is the last thing I want to discuss about.
One thing my friend told me that will always stick in my head, "Kat, whatever you're looking for, is looking for you too." and recently out of the blue, he said that to me once again and I made a joke out of it about how I'm not having what I'm looking for and he replied with a stern look, "Kat, you're not looking. You're not. You're just being very fickle minded." He's probably right. I don't even know what I want. For now I'm just filling up all my time with a part time job. And almost every now and then, I crave for a drink. I crave for a smoke sometimes but so far, I'm still able to resist. This shall be my fifth attempt to quit.
You know the recent local production Ah Boys to Men? I was really swooned by the main actor, Joshua Tan (hahahah) and I stumbled upon his blog (he gave it out in his facebook fan page) and there was this entry that said out what I'm feeling at the moment. It was about how others find a need/must to say something negative to bring down your self esteem. My good friend is doing that to me very often recently, but lucky for me, I'm quite vain in a good way where I can don't give a shit about what others have to say about me. Or shall I say that I'm just too lazy to bother or respond? I find people like these are just pure childish and are low in self esteem themselves. There was a part he mentioned how good friends go overboard on jokes and I realised that's what I've been doing to Uz recently and I felt bad, so I'm gonna stop, even if it's a joke. He's a growing guy, I shouldn't say anything that makes him feel negative about his own image. I mean I'm not gonna be fake and say something nice for something that's not, just to be nice, but then, if I can't find something nice to say, why not I just don't say anything? Unless I really don't like you and it kills me to say something nice to you. :)
I have this thought. I just want to live up till 60 maybe. If I've got no family members left by then, I'd find a way to end my own life. I really don't want to get old. I love the elderly really, that's even why I signed up for geriatrics in the first place, but I don't want to be one of them. It's sad to see them, at this age, having no one to care for them. Not a family member bothers coming to see them. I know how they're expecting to grow old living with their children and grandchildren but even if the kids don't want them to move in, I'm very sure they love you enough to agree to not move in together but at least go visit them, have some outing or family day few times a week! Make them look forward to something! Urgh, this world is just too sick, everyone is so self absorbed. Anddd another reason to not have kids. Hmm, well if *touchwood* I do get married and have a kid, I would raise them exactly like how my parents raised us.
So here's my plan for the future. Graduate in 2014, finish my three year bond, get my Advance Diploma or Degree in Australia (maybe?), work 2-3 years in Australia, move to probably one or two more countries and gain some experience, continue until I'm probably 30-35 years old, (wonder if I still have a chance to be a tattoo artist by then), retire and be a volunteer nurse at war countries, die there or if I do survive, travel around the world up till 60. And die. HAHAHAHAH but then yeah, you get the rough idea of what I want to do in the future; gain experience, be a volunteer nurse in war countries, fill my whole body with tattoos, travel, retire early, die early.
Starting to get a little tipsy now. And hungry. Oh god. Goodnight.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Only Sixteen.
My memory is failing me again. I have sudden flashbacks which I might remember vaguely but still have no idea what was it about and it really scares the shit out of me. I might not remember myself one day. This feeling creeps in again. It's a never ending cycle. I try to grab the bible today, I can't find it. I tried to go to church today, but I stopped myself.
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