I've been away for awhile because I really don't know what I should or should not write at here and my facebook. I'm trying to refrain myself from updating negative posts but days had been shit so that pretty much explains why I end up deleting posts instead of publishing them. Nice, I'm planning to type a long one this time *wiggles*
Okay, honestly, I attempted suicide three times since I came here. No, nothing worked out because I'm still here typing THIS. Hahaha. First was an intended one but it wasn't a serious one. Hmm, I was feeling very robotic at that time and I seriously couldn't feel anything for almost a month. So it was more of like self torture to just check and see if I could feel any pain at least. I didn't but neither did I plan to carry on. Things got better then. I embraced the robotic feeling, telling myself it may be a good thing to feel that way.
The second and third happened at the same time, last Monday. It was just after Kickboxing, as usual, I was walking towards the bus stop alone. I stopped halfway at the bridge, about to climb and jump from there. I didn't feel any fear or consider the possibility of me regretting my action. My mind was just blank, and I just continued walking towards the bus stop. Then in the bus, I was then planning to straight go to East Coast Park, please don't ask me why there HAHAHA. I've been pretty much planning to drown myself for the past few days. I was really convinced that that's the most peaceful way to die and that's how I want to end my life. And I was pretty much smiling at the thought of it and there's this sudden gush of peacefulness surrounding me. I then tried to think will I have regrets and I thought No, I'm pretty much contented with my life. But then I was suddenly thinking, how do I know if it's time for me; the time I had was really enough. I wanted to pray and ask God but then I thought it'd be a stupid thing to pray about. I was mocking and being cynical to myself but then there's the other unseen yet seen part of me asking God that.
The next day, yesterday morning, I was waiting for my bus to come. Another bus came, I didn't notice it being in front of me but then suddenly there was this folded wheelchair in front of me. There's this middle aged guy trying to make it stop, while the other hand trying to assist his elderly mum down from the bus to the wheelchair. Not thinking much, I helped him to grab the wheelchair, opened it and held the handle while she's trying to sit on it. He gave me a warm smile and mouthed something. I was listening to songs as usual so I just assumed he thanked me HAHAHAHAwhadafak so I smiled back and said Sure. About five minutes later, I boarded the bus and suddenly this thought came to me. God is telling me this is just the beginning of my life journey, not the end! I remembered my goal of making a difference in the elderly care! So mm hmm, that's why I'm still here, living and breathing while praising the miracle answer from God! I guess this is really the first most obvious reply from Him. I do hear Him. Really. The feeling is just overwhelming.
This is the second week of my second semester, I'm still feeling nothing (no sense of pain, or guilt, or patience) but then there's no more thoughts of suicide. But still when I do think about death, especially onto myself, I don't feel the fear anymore, I still do think that it's something peaceful, just that I don't intend to act upon it that's all. ManMang said I look different after the holidays, like there's just something about me that's changed alot, but she did not elaborate and I don't want to ask hahaha and I'm not assuming anything.
Today's a Public Holiday, Em and I went to the beach. What we brought was epic. She brought a whole bottle of tanning lotion and I brought a whole bottle of whitening lotion. HAHAHAwhadafaak. We cycled for an hour and she was feeling sleepy and there was no Sun afterall so it pretty much killed our workout mood. We had McDonald's and I suddenly shouted Let's eat by the beach like our own mini picnic! And so we did! Found a nice spot and laid there.
I really like this picture of her!
Oh, and this is my mind twin, Emily.
(:
But she fell asleep and I wanted to cycle, so I did. Halfway through it rained heavily so I took shelter at a small building. I stood alone at one side and there were others at the other side. I suddenly felt very happy seeing how heavy the rain was pouring because the female side of my brain was starting to direct a drama script like Dancing in the Rain and mushy stuff like that HAHAHA and I was still happily listening to songs while daydreaming that I did not realise the rain had subsided. Then there was this cute nerdish guy standing with his bike in front of me smiling and saying something that's inaudible to me. I unplugged my earphones and Hmm? Then he said, "Hi :D The rain has subsided. Wanna cycle back now? (: " So I said Okay, sure (: He waited as I hopped back on to my bicycle, then he helped me find the toilet because my shit is coming out real soon and I said okaythanksbye and overtook him and sped off to the toilet. End of drama. Ahh, drama came true! Hahaha
I was telling Emily that I actually let my guards down this time and just let it go with the flow but I found myself being the backup plan. Aww. But weirdly, the first word that came to my head was FREEDOM when I found out about it. Hahaha. Then the weird thing is that, this time, it actually gave me courage instead of the sense of wanting to give up thinking,"Heyy, I survived the second time, so it's nothing to me now. How worse can it get right?" Maybe this is karma so that's why I'm brushing it off so easily. So great, karma makes us bolder hahaha.
Shit happens. Embrace shit.
(:
