Reality dream.

My friends and I left Singapore and reached Larkin. From there, we walked to an old HDB-looking flat. For some reasons, we were on the 11th floor. As usual, a few of us who were fast, went on to press the open-door button. By the time the rest came in and the door was about to close, this group of aunties called for us so I pressed on to the open-door button again. As they reached and stood in front of us, the lift just went down, with the doors opened. Shocked, we stood inwards, waiting for it to close. It did at the next floor, but it wouldn't stop although there were people waiting for the lift at every floor. It just kept going down, slowly..

At the first floor, the lift stopped but the door did not open. We peeped trough the 'window' and it was a dusty storage basement, only getting light from the sun. So you can imagine only the space nearer to the outer space was a little brighter and it grew dimmer inside. And at the brighter spot, there was this little girl in a vintage maroon dress, squatting down. To our horror, she was chewing off a rat. She turned and suddenly the lift went downwards and inwards, creating a loop route back to the first floor. And the lift stopped. The door opened slowly even though we prayed hard that it wouldn't. Quickly pressing the close-door button, the girl managed to run in, half crawling motion, exactly like a cat. We stood really still, trying not to come in contact with her and quickly get out on the second floor. That's when she looked at me and started licking my leg.

I don't know how but she got back to the first floor and we managed to get out of the building where my parents were waiting to pick us up. As we were walking out, none of us said a thing, but we all knew she was a human girl, left on her own to feed herself, only learning survival skills from what's closest to her, cats. Just like the kids from the horror film Mama.

Something struck me and I knew I just couldn't leave her behind. I took my dad's phone and called the police. I wanted to call the Singapore authorities but remembered we were already in Malaysia. I took my time explaining and giving the best directions to the officer on the other line. I had the same odd habit in my dream, as in reality, where I'd walk around while talking on the phone. Out of the blue there was a small fire scene and the firemen and trucks arrived. Thinking that they link, I asked the officer if he's aware of a fire near Larkin and he said yes. So I told him we're just in front of that scene and the girl is at the first floor.

I couldn't remember how long the phone call took but it was already late evening. Suddenly, the officer on the line was quiet and he didn't answer to my questions. Finally, I heard a splashing sound, and worst, a yawn. I got pissed so I raised my voice and said, "Encik! Please don't tell me you fell asleep!" He laughed and apologized saying he can't help it because of his previous late shift. I got furious and scolded, "How can you do that. Aku tau ah kau penat but this is a life we're talking about. It's your job. Aku tak kisah, make sure you do something about this. Now." He repeatedly agreed and said he'd do something about it right away.

I woke up, having mixed feelings. It's sad that it's true. This is how the police system works in Malaysia. No one is afraid of them and they're not intending to do their job properly. Adding the increasingly intense racial issues among the uneducated citizens, they're not gonna help those who aren't of 'their own people'.

And god, I have no way to emphasize more about the passersby-effect. If you see something unusual, trust your instincts, get help. Help others. Your instincts may sometimes be wrong, but what if you're right? A burden could be lightened, a life could be saved..

Closer

I could just sit at this same spot all day without any lights on.

I often feel so sad, not about anything else, but towards myself. I love and hate who I have become of. Are you able to comprehend, which majority will say "yes I do" without really trying to digest these words of mine.

Yes, I am a changed person. Ahh the wonders of shitty situations in life. So it is indeed true when they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." Oh well, here I am, too fucking strong that my emotions no longer comprehend disappointment. This, shall be the flat affect.

Sometimes I believe that I'm so detached with the inner, softer side of me that so much so, it became a place that I never dare to explore ever again. The intense fear. It does drive me crazy.

I inhale the bad, and exhale the good. I can't help it. It's my self defense mechanism, to only see the worst in everyone, every situation. Good that now I'm able to not give a f when things turn sour but I'm feeling pretty robotic for the past months, which I'm pretty sure in some ways, that this is unhealthy.


[ just know that it was you all along who had a hold of my heart but the demon and me were the best of friends from the start ]