12:41AM

好辛苦.

I was the person you run to

This song gives me a whole pack of emotions.

-.-

I promised myself yesterday that I'd change. I don't want to live the way I've been living these few years back. I'm protected but fuck, what's the point. I'm still living in the past; someway, somehow. I need to be honest, not with others, but myself. I said I was getting better, keeping it under control, overcoming the causing factors. But no I'm not. I've been covering them with lies. Lies after lies even I got myself fooled. But I really don't know how, I feel so lost hahaha. What are the problems, what are the barriers. I thought I knew, but I don't know, and I've been denying to myself with what I really know. Mindfucked. 

What I've been telling others are just like me reading from a book. I do not do what I tell. Fucking hypocrite you may think hahaha. I have a lot of ideas running at the back of my head. I'm smiling happily because I fucking know it's gonna make me feel so fucking good. It's these sick thoughts that are keeping me alive and motivated. Sometimes they're true, sometimes they're not. Nobody knows. Sometimes I've thought if talking to someone I can trust who understands in some way I want them to was as easy as writing them down here. Ironically, people are reading what I'm typing, I don't care but still it's so hard for me to open my god damn mouth. Actually I don't have to trust that person. And he/she doesn't have to understand what I'm going through. Hahaha I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. 

I have this feeling.
The kind that I don't want to say out because I forbid myself to.

I give you take

Hahahhahahahaha!! I suddenly have a plan. Can't wait for my next appointment hehehehehehehe \(*^*)/

Vanished

Another case of pure embarrassment.

You Me At Six

You're suffocating me. 

Stop it if you still want to stay as friends.

The sight of you and your name already makes me wanna grab you and shake you so badly; 

saying,

Stop It.

-.-

Miroslava Duma

Okay.

She's my inspiration now.

Estranged

t.A.T.u

I wanna stop medication and treatment but I'm not allowed to, eventhough they gave me the "the final decision is up to you, depending on what you're comfortable with" crap beforehand.

You see, I hate doctors. They don't do much help, that's what I think. They're pretty task oriented; I go for a 10min of basic interrogation and that's it, collect my medication from the pharmacist and pay the effing expensive bills. Dafuq! They forced me to live on meds but I didn't even touch any of them, what's the point? For the next appointment, I'll either just be honest that I'm not taking them or just bullshit with you that I am and I'm feeling so much better, which will cost me more money because you think it's working so, fuck my life.

Honesty it is! HAHA

When I'm not okay you tell me the only solution is medication. And when I'm handling myself well, you tell me it's due to the previous od. WADAFUQ! So you're telling me I can't take care of myself without your help? Well, screw you.

Run away if we must

I sat down for dinner and immediately Syahmi was split into two.

Faaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I keep having dizziness and blurry vision the whole day for two days now.

Body, please don't crash on me now. 

One more hell week and I'm done!

HAHAHA

Can't wait to get home.

:')

Fell out of touch

Air Supply.

Queen.

Chicago.

I'm gonna bury myself in their songs before I spend the whole day in the library today.

My brain's all tangled up and I just forget every single damn thing.

-.-

I'm sorry if I planned on something and not have a clue when you remind me. 

BRAIN, Y U NO FUNCTION WELL!?

But then, first time ehh I stress over exams until like this.

HAHA

Scream city

For the first time in my life, I've been studying till I forget my meals. My health is deteriorating and I've been experiencing vertigo every now and then. Hahaha! I'm not stressed but then so many things happened last year which increases the risk of me screwing up my papers by 83736282926 times than the usual rate has made me wanting to prove myself wrong. For the first time my mum says "this time round, it's enough to just pass" instead of the usual "do well, we know you can" hahaha they don't wanna pressure me either and I feel bad. After all the endless troubles and worries and tears, I wanna let them know that I'm really alright and they shouldn't worry about me, especially when it comes to studies.

I wanna be a strong, educated and respectable woman. I've been in and out the hospitals for visits that it made me see so many things in life that I was once ignorant about. I regained my passion. I really wanna make a difference in this world through nursing. I know I'm gonna love my job. I may not want to retire as a nurse but I'll definitely be doing something quite the same. I will not stop caring for the world; even if it's gonna risk my life. God does not send me here without a purpose. (:

Stairs

I can feel my health deteriorating like shit now. No, not now. Hahaha.

14.02.2012

Falling in love at a coffee shop.

Landon Pigg.

I woke up early, opened the balcony glass door and slammed myself on the couch/coffee table and stretched. I continue laying there and stare at the ceiling. I saw structures of cells right before my eyes and as I tend to focus it moves upwards and disappear. I tried focusing few more times and they reappear and disappear. Then I tried to stare even harder, glittering dusts were everywhere. I laughed at myself but it somehow made me feel peaceful. My eyes are definitely playing tricks on me but I felt alot happier afterwards.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

(:

I ripped out his throat

I never knew this song existed.

I woke up and suddenly thought, let's youtube for Jet Lag and see what comes up!

And not bad hahaha

________________________________________________

What time is it where you are?

I miss you more than anything

Back at home you feel so far

Waitin' for the phone to ring

It's gettin’ lonely livin’ upside down

I don't even wanna be in this town

Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin' me crazy

You say good morning

When it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's driving me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

What time is it where you are?

Five more days and I'll be home

I keep your picture in my car

I hate the thought of you alone

I've been keepin' busy all the time

Just to try to keep you off my mind

Tryin' to figure out the time zones makin’ me crazy

You say good morning

When it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's drivin' me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Is so jet lagged

I miss you so bad [x5]

I wanna share your horizon

I miss you so bad

And see the same sunrising

I miss you so bad

Turn the hour hand back to when you were holding me.

You say good morning

When it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's drivin' me mad

I miss when you say good morning

But it's midnight

Going out of my head

Alone in this bed

I wake up to your sunset

And it's drivin' me mad

I miss you so bad

And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

Is so jetlagged

Is so jetlagged

Here's to the Night

I wonder it's the weather or is it me.

I'm feeling rather emotional tonight.

Wtf.

Breathe

I suddenly miss my friend, eventhough we visited her almost everyday haha. I guess I'm sorry that it took such a tough journey for us to get this close. Well, she was the first friend that I opened up to about my condition, besides Ifran because he was like my brother and I accidentally told him about it when I was high haha. I still remember on her birthday, the both of us skipped lecture and I brought her to my hideout, the tracks. We spent an hour talking and there was where and when we promised each other to get through this together and finish up the course together. The first day we had a study meet up at the airport, she said the next day's her last day in college. I got shocked, really but honestly angry or disappointed never did come across my mind haha. I was actually happy for her because I remembered she once told me that she doesn't really see the necessity of having such high education level and she used to plan to work instead to support herself and her family. So it was somewhat courageous for her to take this big step.

She gave me a letter though. I read it in the bus on my way back; didn't know what to say haha. She remembered our promise at the tracks. Hahaha.

I feel like talking to her suddenly. It's weird that now I'm more comfortable opening up to her. Honestly I hardly have this kind of 'feeling'. Almost everyone I know in my life asks how can I be so optimistic and cheerful all the time. Haha. I'm honestly not as pigg-happy-go-lucky as you think I am but then I just don't find the point showing out to others, it's like my weak-point, and you don't show your weaknesses to everyone haha. But she has seen most of my low points in life. Accidentally but too frequently that I somehow got used to it by now, that I don't give a shit if she sees another shit phase of my life hahaha. And that is if she doesn't mind of course :p

I suddenly feel grateful tonight. I've always envied people who has someone to talk to when they want to or when they're feeling low. I suddenly smell soy sauce hmm.. Hahaha off track, nevermind. So.. Mm hmm haha. I never had the thought of opening up to someone, anyone, even I feel like it. It's hard for me you see. Eventhough I'm shit ass close with my sister, she still has to find her own ways to find out what's going on with me. Seeeeeee, I told you I have issues trusting people! Hahaha. But of course that doesn't mean I don't trust my sister. She's the world to me; just that I still don't know how to share my problems with others. Sometimes I'm not even honest to my own diary. Haha retard.

I feel different, yet indifferent. (:

MOSBY

Hey you!

I hope you get well soon. Kill the doctor if he doesn't let you home tomorrow! Hahaha! I really hope you'd take that one step to call me when you're not feeling right; distance will never be a problem. Your life matters more to me. 

Take care, little sister.

*hugs*

10.02.12

I've never felt so weak.

God, provide me strength. Provide her strength. Show her the right way, I don't want to lose her.

Show me what to do to help her through. I'm trembling, Father. I need Your guidance..

Indie

Going indie today!

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart's MP3 player hahaha cute right! Hahahahahaha

Scott

Oh, my love
Please don't cry
I'll wash my bloody hands and
We'll start a new life


I ripped out
His throat
And called you on the telephone
To take off
My disguise
Just in time to hear you cry when you...


You mourn the death of your bloody valentine
The night he died
You mourn the death of your bloody valentine
One last time


Singin'...


Oh, my love
Please don't cry
I'll wash my bloody hands and
We'll start a new life
I don't know much at all
I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight


There was
Police and
Flashing lights
The rain came down so hard that night and the
Headlines read
A lover died
No tell-tale heart was left to find when you...


You mourn the death of your bloody valentine
The night he died
You mourn the death of your bloody valentine
One last time


Singin'...


Oh, my love
Please don't cry
I'll wash my bloody hands and
We'll start a new life
I don't know much at all
I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight


Tonight


He dropped you off, I followed him home
Then I, I stood outside his bedroom window
Standing over him, he begged me not to do
What I knew I had to do cause I'm so in love with you


Oh, my love
Please don't cry
I'll wash my bloody hands and
We'll start a new life
I don't know much at all
I don't know wrong from right
All I know is that I love you tonight
Tonight

____________________________________________

It was during lecture when this song suddenly popped into my head.

Sing for me this, with a sunflower in your hand and I'll be yours.

HAHAHAHA WTF DAMN CHEESY but..

HAHAHA

Help me open up, and start again

I remember the first time it struck hard.

I'm pretty frustrated at how people are telling me I'm still young to talk what I had spoken about. You know, age doesn't really matter when it comes to opinions.

No one gets what I'm trying to say. They laugh it off saying I'm thinking too much or I should just think/speak like how an average 20-year-old should. Seriously? I honestly do respect your way of seeing things but somehow it's unfair for you to expect everyone to think the same.

I really do enjoy looking things at a broad perspective, as in really fucking broad that it doesn't make sense. Hahaha.

Think of this: A stranger comes up to you asking for some money, explaining how strange he feels in a new place, not knowing anyone, not having any money, with a pair of broken slippers and the smallest change you have is a piece of $10 note, which honestly isn't a small amount. So what would you do?

He honestly do seem like a conman. Even unconvinced himself of what he's telling. But still I gave him my only $10 note. So here's what I thought when I gave him the money: If he's really out to collect free money, he must have his reasons; desperation. If I don't give it to him, he's definitely out to hunt others because he's desperate. And what if nobody gives him? Out of desperation, he might rob someone and a person's life will be at risk. $10 for exchange of a life? I think it's stupid, I'd rather lose my money. So let's just say that he's lucky to meet an unlucky me. And back to the main point, someone's life is put at ease. See what I mean? Hahaha so that's how far I think over minor things like this.

I think it'd be interesting to find someone with the same perception. Hahaha.

1:02 AM

Travie McCoy: Need You.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't even know where to begin.

I don't even know if I should.

Trust is something that means so much to me yet it's so hard for me to begin with.

Awakening

I went for cell group today and we were discussing about the word 'disciple' and what it means to us. So, we concluded with the main essence about discipleship: obedience. I guess it's because of the exams being so near that only Michson, Jonathan, Nathan and I turned up from NYP. So we were discussing a few questions among ourselves:

Whoever claims to live in Him must live as Jesus did

-1 John 2:6

*What does this mean to us?*

What is the barrier between you and God?

What is the thing you always struggle with people around you?

I shared that the way we treat people around us should be the way Jesus had treated the people around him; as in love the way He loved, cared the way He cared. And then it struck me, so I asked is it possible for a person have a heart as big as Jesus'? Then Michson showed me a verse from John 14:12, Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. HAHAHA it's when I just typed this verse out only I truly understands what it means hahaha. Oh yes, so what he explained to me is that it is possible for us, humans to have a heart as big as Jesus, and maybe even bigger than His but it's up to us, the humans to act upon it or not, which most of us do not. It kinda opens my heart a little bigger now to try my best to forgive those who have hurt me. Of course it's hard but then I should to carry on with my life..

So the barrier between me and God. Definitely patience. I don't know why exactly but that was the only word that I could think of. And the pastor even asked who feels tired when it comes to serving God. I honestly don't feel tired but then it struck me. I admitted that I'm very tempted to all the materials in the world. I thought based on my condition. I did things that made me feel happier and better but none of these are pleasing to God. So this is where I'm confused. I loss my patience trying to pursue the happiness and inner peace through my relationship with God, that's how I turned away from him when my condition worsened. I seek 'help' from the bad; the guilty pleasure that thrills me and gave me the adrenaline rush. 

And the thing I'm always struggling with the people around me. No doubt, I said it's trust. I never fail to have a problem trusting people. And I don't know why. Believe it or not, I don't even trust my own parents at times. I do not only pull myself away from God, I've even strayed from the people around me. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like a stranger among my friends. They'd be "okay, where have you been. You can just vanish and come back as if nothing happened but then you seemed like you've changed so much." But then trust me, I'm trying until today to break that barrier. I need to throw away that fear. Hahaha.

And most importantly,

I need to get the motivation to stuuuudyyy.

Mother of Goddddd.

\(*^*)/ 

I remember when we stole the night

Sometimes, recently, I feel it coming back and I'm trying hard to control it. 

Anger.

Insensitive.

Going overboard with my words.

Over excited.

Paranoia.

Ahh, paranoia, the worst feeling to have. Really really fucked up.

I think I'm really emotionally retarded. I have so many fears and barriers when it comes to trust, it has affected me at times, really screwed up bad. So one fine day, haha, I was laying on my bed, trying to think of what made me this way and I don't seem to find one, whatturf. 

Okay, lazy to type, need to finish up my slides. Bye bye.