Hujan

I was browsing through my old pictures of different events and I realised in less than a year, I've changed so much. Maybe a year back then, I would never thought that this current part of me would ever happen. It's really such a huge difference. I wouldn't say I like myself now exactly, but I'm doing things I've felt like doing at least. But these things aren't actually making me happy, or become a better person. Ahh, if only life was much easier; like we're given notes for every action for every event. I feel like a huge joke to myself and people around me. Almost a month now, I'm annoyed with everyone. So fucking annoyed that I just wanna go on a killing spree. Hahaha. I fucking hate it when others put their lives into my responsibility. what the fuck? -.- Honestly, I'm seriously not gonna do this shit because I can't even take care of myself, and I don't intend for others to take care of me. So, be fair and square. You deal with your own life, I deal with mine.

I feel like punching people.

Redhead

Need not do anything!

Do also just simply do as long as you 'DID SOMETHING'

YAYYYYY!!

Happy go lucky!

All join the talk cock club and all can die together.

This is what I call AwesomePowsum!

Hear my thoughts and every note

My favourite lecturer was very late, as usual HAHA

And I was gothere-ing because I was moving in to another area tonight.

If only there's a route.

My intended destination.

But she wasn't wearing any :(

HAHAHA

-____________-

I turned to the guy behind me and asked,"Hey, what's your name?"

He was stoning and just,"Huh.. Hakim.."

The only word I love.

New running pants!

And starting from today,

my new crib.

(:

Pretty girl rock

Don't want to continue taking my medications boleh?

:D

Knock you down

I'm emotionally retarded.

-.-

It's a matter of time everyone around me will scatter away

HAHAHA

Argh, I'm such a fake at times with people around because like I said,

I'M EMOTIONAAAALLY RETAAAAARDED.

-____________-

Stabiliser

I don't know why but I'm really really passionate about Kickboxing.

Going for training makes me feel so light and happy,

I just keep looking forward to it!

I'm not VERY good at it, but I do hope that I'll keep improving, fast. HAHAHA

Kicks and break fall! I need to buckle up! 

Confession: I secretly do hope I get into some competition HEHE :D

Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Her absent minded eyes

-Roxette.

There is no excuse my friend, for breaking my heart
-Jascha Richter.

If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out
-Pink.

I was dreaming you were my Johnny Cash
-Katy Perry.

'Cause when he's looking she falls apart
-Lady Gaga.

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
-Adam Levine.

And don't go to bed yet love, I think it's too early
-Jason Lancaster.

I was crying when I met you, now I'm trying to forget you
-Steven Tyler.

Bittersweet symphony

AAAAAAAAAAA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I want you. I need you. I hate you. I need you. I trust you. I hate you. I need you. I hate you. I want you. I hate you. I get you. I hate you. I like you. I hate you. I loathe you. I hate you. 

"FUCK YOU I'M DRUNK AND I'M GOING TO BE DRUNK TILL THE NEXT TIME I'M DRUNKKKkkkkkkkkKKKkkkkk aaaaAAAAAAAaaaaaaa~~"

-BONDO- 

I'm about to lose my mind, you've been gone for so long

I was pretty pissed and disappointed with him today. I thought we were good friends, thus taking for granted that you'd be one of the last people to judge me. You really don't have a clue, trust me when I say this. You really don't. It was a tough choice; choosing to cut you off over something that really helps me. I tried to explain, you doubted my words. I've always doubted myself but I knew what I was saying at that moment. I was struggling, shaking, but still I did my best to explain myself because I really care a lot about you and I don't want to lose you for what you think is a mistake. It's not. And it's not even what you think it is. But you chose to not believe me. Fine. So now, all we do is pretend. Pretend to believe I'm alright, I don't need help.

Honestly, screw the helps. None of them is fucking working and none of you have a clue.

That kind of love, was the killing kind

It took me 19years to finally realise that all these while, I've been living, trying so hard to meet peoples' expectations of myself. Days had been hard, and a struggle when I get frustrated with myself, asking: "What and why the hell am I doing this?" I don't really know what hit me but now I just don't give a shit anymore. Things that I do may harm myself but as long as I'm feeling good or better than shit, it's worth it for me. I mean, who am I trying to please really? At times, I just walk away without giving a reason. Yes, sometimes it's because I really don't care but SOMETIMES, it's really because it's just best for me to do so. I know at times I can't control it no matter how hard my brain is fighting for it. I don't want to explain because it's not worth the explanation. Anyway, I just don't know how to. "It's okay, I understand." It's not enough and at times, it's really not what I want to hear because you don't. People had been clueless. Some are disappointed. And a few gave up. So what's the point. It is unfair for me to say all these because then, what do I expect you to say? Say nothing. Really. And stop pushing. I know what I'm doing. Okay, that's bullshit. Most of the time, I'm not aware of anything. And that's the hardest part.

I am aware that life is nothing about rainbows, but it takes optimism to make it meaningful. At this point, I don't know am I being way too optimistic about life or maybe I've lost it a long, long time ago. But I think I do know that I'm still searching for a meaning in this. I am now not ashamed to admit that I lost my faith and religion. I don't see a point in doing something that's meaningless now. I'm not angry, I just lost it. Maybe one day I'll find my way back again. People care, I know. But I really don't want them to. It's making me feel more burdened. I don't want to be dependent on anyone, if I could. Being emotionally attached to someone can be pretty frightening as it takes in responsibility. It's exhausting inside out. But there are a few that I find myself being too comfortable with, that I'd do anything to not lose them. I treasure them to bits and pieces. And I step away from these people most of the time. I guess it's better to make things stay as good memories than to let things turn sour and reconciling these memories can be a stab in the chest.

I used to question life about betrayal but in the end, I stopped being curious because there isn't any logical explanation. You may cry and be disappointed, continuously asking why. Okay, I don't know how to end that sentence but what I'm saying is just that I've stopped asking and just accept the fact that everyone around you has the potential to screw up your life anytime they feel like it. It's just your choice to give them the green light to do it.

I don't know what else to say. Just that I'm turning 20 and things will get uglier than today, every single damn day.

Song to Say Goodbye

NR1113

This is how we start our douche Monday!

Emily, Moii, PekYee and ManMang.

2 hours of Pizza and Oreo Cheesecake Celebration!

Just because it's your birthday doesn't mean I have to stop bullying you!

Happy Cheesooooo Day!

Sleep deprived

ManMang the tallest, Emily the most gangster looking and me with weird straight bangs hahaha

Spoilt Nails

I know I really lost it this time because before this, I can at least sense that He's there waiting for me while I struggle to turn back to Him. This time, I'm avoiding any kinda contact with Him effortlessly. I'm not gonna give a shit about what others are gonna say or be disappointed about.

"The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun."

-Kurt Cobain-

11.11.11

Since everyone is flooding my Facebook newsfeed about spending this special day with someone special, I thought I might contribute.

Ruuuunn

I know this picture is repeating but then she's the only one I really look up to when I'm motivating myself to work out.

The two top parts are slightly visible now!

*dances*

I need to really lose my belly fats and that's it!

And since Henry Golding lookalike is back in the gym, BERSEMANGAT ah.

HAHAHAHA

*wiggles*

Go Radio

GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH. 

PLEASE DO.

DAILY CHECKUP PLEASE.

:0

*overwhelmed*

I was never a big fan of his. I bumped into him once at MPH, not knowing it was him actually. *why was I so ignorant at that time*

Anyway, until recently, there's this Personal Trainer in my gym that seriouuuuusly looks like him. When I'm there at 7am, he'll sometimes be there already and argh, his sleepy looks is too sexy I can just oogle at him and die on the spot. 

HAHAHA

Week Three

Went for Lion King 3D on Wednesday and to the airport.

Bringing back childhood memories!

Hey November.

Actually, I lied. I don't appreciate you saying that. I don't know what you had or had not been through but bear in mind that every individual is different.

I lost it again today. I feel damn bad now. I sent a message, but not getting any reply. Anyway, here it is again, I'm sorry.

One word communication

Dad.

Me.

There's a GermanFest going on in Changi. There's gonna be alot of good

Beer.

Noo.. There'll be music, German delights and German

Beer.

Hahaha you ahh.

Will there be German boys?

Yes, very good looking young German guys. Then you can have their

Beer.

There will be beer of course, but you can choose not to have them.

In the future can I marry a German guy?

Why, of course. Then everyday I can have 

Beer?

German knuckles.

HAHAHAwhaaaat? And beer?

Well yes, and their beer.

"To Alcohol!"

-Homer Simpsons.

We weren't serious actually, but I know he is about the German Knuckles! HAHAHA my mum kept telling me,"Just do what you want okay? We have full confidence in you. We have full trust in you. Don't feel guilty about everything and start blaming yourself. Live life. Don't have to worry. We believe you're big enough to do what you think is right." But it actually made me feel worse. Because I am still planning to run away. But screw responsibility, I know I'll force myself to be stuck here for another five and a half years. 

MARTHUR

FARKAR.

It's the clear mind now that pujuk myself to just bear another six years. But I seriously don't know what am I gonna do when I'm not. Honestly, the one thing I'm worried about is the route I'll be taking alone every Monday night after my Kickboxing. That's one thing I can't promise myself. I don't know. I wanna go home with my parents tomorrow. I don't even feel like stepping into college anymore. I really want to leave this place. I'm really thinking of someplace already. WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY TIED DOWNS CONCERNING MONEY!? 

I know you don't really trust yourself now, Katrina.

But please believe this:

you SUCK.

Pink

Just two days. Crazy. Shocking. I really don't know what I just did. I got everyone worried. My parents had to rush here. Everyone's telling me I made a courageous move but I can't stop thinking this is stupid, I'm somehow already regretting it. Feels like I'm busted. Can't wait to leave here and start another life in a new place.

Screw this shit. I honestly don't feel any better.

Guilty Love

I've been away for awhile because I really don't know what I should or should not write at here and my facebook. I'm trying to refrain myself from updating negative posts but days had been shit so that pretty much explains why I end up deleting posts instead of publishing them. Nice, I'm planning to type a long one this time *wiggles*

Okay, honestly, I attempted suicide three times since I came here. No, nothing worked out because I'm still here typing THIS. Hahaha. First was an intended one but it wasn't a serious one. Hmm, I was feeling very robotic at that time and I seriously couldn't feel anything for almost a month. So it was more of like self torture to just check and see if I could feel any pain at least. I didn't but neither did I plan to carry on. Things got better then. I embraced the robotic feeling, telling myself it may be a good thing to feel that way.

The second and third happened at the same time, last Monday. It was just after Kickboxing, as usual, I was walking towards the bus stop alone. I stopped halfway at the bridge, about to climb and jump from there. I didn't feel any fear or consider the possibility of me regretting my action. My mind was just blank, and I just continued walking towards the bus stop. Then in the bus, I was then planning to straight go to East Coast Park, please don't ask me why there HAHAHA. I've been pretty much planning to drown myself for the past few days. I was really convinced that that's the most peaceful way to die and that's how I want to end my life. And I was pretty much smiling at the thought of it and there's this sudden gush of peacefulness surrounding me. I then tried to think will I have regrets and I thought No, I'm pretty much contented with my life. But then I was suddenly thinking, how do I know if it's time for me; the time I had was really enough. I wanted to pray and ask God but then I thought it'd be a stupid thing to pray about. I was mocking and being cynical to myself but then there's the other unseen yet seen part of me asking God that.

The next day, yesterday morning, I was waiting for my bus to come. Another bus came, I didn't notice it being in front of me but then suddenly there was this folded wheelchair in front of me. There's this middle aged guy trying to make it stop, while the other hand trying to assist his elderly mum down from the bus to the wheelchair. Not thinking much, I helped him to grab the wheelchair, opened it and held the handle while she's trying to sit on it. He gave me a warm smile and mouthed something. I was listening to songs as usual so I just assumed he thanked me HAHAHAHAwhadafak so I smiled back and said Sure. About five minutes later, I boarded the bus and suddenly this thought came to me. God is telling me this is just the beginning of my life journey, not the end! I remembered my goal of making a difference in the elderly care! So mm hmm, that's why I'm still here, living and breathing while praising the miracle answer from God! I guess this is really the first most obvious reply from Him. I do hear Him. Really. The feeling is just overwhelming.

This is the second week of my second semester, I'm still feeling nothing (no sense of pain, or guilt, or patience) but then there's no more thoughts of suicide. But still when I do think about death, especially onto myself, I don't feel the fear anymore, I still do think that it's something peaceful, just that I don't intend to act upon it that's all. ManMang said I look different after the holidays, like there's just something about me that's changed alot, but she did not elaborate and I don't want to ask hahaha and I'm not assuming anything.

Today's a Public Holiday, Em and I went to the beach. What we brought was epic. She brought a whole bottle of tanning lotion and I brought a whole bottle of whitening lotion. HAHAHAwhadafaak. We cycled for an hour and she was feeling sleepy and there was no Sun afterall so it pretty much killed our workout mood. We had McDonald's and I suddenly shouted Let's eat by the beach like our own mini picnic! And so we did! Found a nice spot and laid there.

I really like this picture of her!

Oh, and this is my mind twin, Emily.

(:

But she fell asleep and I wanted to cycle, so I did. Halfway through it rained heavily so I took shelter at a small building. I stood alone at one side and there were others at the other side. I suddenly felt very happy seeing how heavy the rain was pouring because the female side of my brain was starting to direct a drama script like Dancing in the Rain and mushy stuff like that HAHAHA and I was still happily listening to songs while daydreaming that I did not realise the rain had subsided. Then there was this cute nerdish guy standing with his bike in front of me smiling and saying something that's inaudible to me. I unplugged my earphones and Hmm? Then he said, "Hi :D The rain has subsided. Wanna cycle back now? (: " So I said Okay, sure (: He waited as I hopped back on to my bicycle, then he helped me find the toilet because my shit is coming out real soon and I said okaythanksbye and overtook him and sped off to the toilet. End of drama. Ahh, drama came true! Hahaha

I was telling Emily that I actually let my guards down this time and just let it go with the flow but I found myself being the backup plan. Aww. But weirdly, the first word that came to my head was FREEDOM when I found out about it. Hahaha. Then the weird thing is that, this time, it actually gave me courage instead of the sense of wanting to give up thinking,"Heyy, I survived the second time, so it's nothing to me now. How worse can it get right?" Maybe this is karma so that's why I'm brushing it off so easily. So great, karma makes us bolder hahaha.

Shit happens. Embrace shit.

(:

She shakes the cage

Want something? Earn it.

Hahaha it's not as serious as it sounds.

My uncle isn't really happy about me going to the gym every day coz he said i wouldn't have the time to read the papers and may later neglect my studies. So I'd come home, rest, have dinner, revise my lectures, then head to the gym and before knocking to bed after my bath, I'd read the papers. Then at least it shows I have time for books and papers even if I go for my daily work out right? :D

Oh and guess what? I juuuust realized my school gives out free Today papers everyday! Hahaha but better late than never :p

So UH HUH (HAHAHAwhadaa) I started the habit of reading the news and I'm kinda shocked and disappointed with myself. I seriouuuusly didn't know this world is in such a messed up state. Thailand, China, Africa, Greece, Egypt. And all these while I've been conveniently ignorant about the world. And really, it was only today I knew what is ISA about :( arghhh, karrrtinaaa apasai Lu manyak Babi? It's really like 749372 bad news slamming at my face at one go.

I wanna help the world. How? Even my life goal to change nursing homes into a place where abuse and mistreatments are zerooo also tak tercapai lagi. And I only have a pair of hands. Those who happens to read this, I hope you guys would take the initiative to make the world a better place.

A pair of hands may seem impossible but imagine everyone in this world has the same thought and is willing to take the first brave step, who knows right?

"Be the lotus that grows in muddy water"

(:

Suck it and see

Call me crazy, this is what I want.

(:

Carrying the new 'life motto', life has been so far so smooth. But then I just realised this morning, out of the blue, it had been smooth that I'm back to feeling pretty robotic. Negative thoughts and monologues are actually going through my mind. It's automatic. But don't worry, this still isn't a negative post because nothing happened. :D

Just that my brain amazes me sometimes.

:3

Memory

I was drinking my coconut drink halfway when I remembered something back when I was in Secondary 1 with my best friend. It was our first day of school and our class teacher was taking attendance. Everyone was present except two girls, who also happened to be our classmate from Primary 6. So our teacher asked," Those who knows them, do you know where are they?" My friend turned to me and said," They got into sekolah asrama.." and I decided to play a prank on her. I pretended to laugh and corrected her," It's ASMARA laa! Not Asrama!" And she terus shouted out loud," Ohh Cikgu! They're in sekolah asmara!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAwhadafaaaaaak. And until today, she's still my good friend. (:

My name is

I really want to make a difference, but with only a pair of hands, can I make it?

Amen.

(:

P/s: I've been feeling so pessimistic the previous weeks and it's time for me to get back on my hyperactive feet! HAHAHA *promises no more negative posts* :D

:D

I came across a post saying that love really do comes when you least expect it.

Of all the days, I don't know why suddenly tonight it got me wondering: how will my real encounter be like?

I know this is awkward because I've never really thought about this but yeah, suddenly I'm curious to see how 'he' comes by. HAHAHA

But then again, uish. Something happened these few days and it got me pretty confused because I felt the awkward intensity. Damn it.

Not like the movies

My Clinical Instructor once said," you have to move on from your mistakes and whatever that has happened."

I still can't believe he's gone. His cold, stiff body appears in front of me every now and then. I can't help but feel that I could've done something that could've saved him.

Push

Suddenly broke down at the mrt station on the way to work yesterday hahahaha bodoh -.-

Gloomy Sunday

I finished ironing my uniform for the whole week and decided to repack my closet. Then the last stack on the bed was the unworn clothes that I brought to and from Perth. The last piece was my grey cardigan. It was still a little chilly and I don't know why, my first reaction was to smell it. And it did still smell of Perth, my sister's bedroom, adding with a little scent of the cold spring breeze.. I wanna hug it and cry myself to sleep but I know I shouldn't. :'(

When will I ever get out of this depression? I feel like such a loser. It's exhausting faking a smile everyday when I feel so empty every single day.

Ebee

It's an exhausting routine trying to smile and laugh. I love my current life.

TGIF

It's fridaaaay! Yep, that pretty much explains how little I'm enjoying my attachment. Hahaha, but actually it's alright, as in not THAT bad laa. Day one was pretty horrid but as we familiarize with the surrounding and staffs, it's pretty cool. And again, I'm lucky! :D

There's a staff damn nice to me, telling me to just go to her as she'll help me sign my logbook; just like SN Hafiza back in Malaysia :)

Honestly, I really miss working in KPJ, MINUS the hostel and ridiculous CIs. I don't know, Malaysians are generally very nice people I guess? I really miss people from my home. The patients are nice and sometimes rather quirky. Hahaha. Here like they have this whole "SERVE me as I've paid you to" seriously whadafa? -.- oh, and I actually got the geriatrics cubicle HEHEHE it's like early training for me :D it's pretty challenging and I do admit it somehow got me wondering "am I really interested in gerontology?" because I JUST realized it can be a pretty 'slow' job. And I was really excited when today, finally! there were blood and running up and down-s. Aweeesomeeee! But then, yeah, I still do enjoy and have a lot of passion in nursing the geriatrics. It's really really really something different. (:

And the doctors are quite young and good looking and imagine my cubicle is facing their desks! HAHAHA *wiggles* but don't worry, I'm not greedy, just aim two to motivate myself to go for attachment only. Hahahaha

My whole routine in the house includes Tom N Jerry HEHEHE once bangun, on Tom N Jerry while packing my bag, pause to bathe, then sambung while drying my hair, then pause to prepare breakfast, continue while changing, pause to wash my cup then have the last episode before putting my computer on 'sleep' mode and off to the hospital! Hahahaha

I miss my family, especially my sister :0