I was the person you run to

This song gives me a whole pack of emotions.

-.-

I promised myself yesterday that I'd change. I don't want to live the way I've been living these few years back. I'm protected but fuck, what's the point. I'm still living in the past; someway, somehow. I need to be honest, not with others, but myself. I said I was getting better, keeping it under control, overcoming the causing factors. But no I'm not. I've been covering them with lies. Lies after lies even I got myself fooled. But I really don't know how, I feel so lost hahaha. What are the problems, what are the barriers. I thought I knew, but I don't know, and I've been denying to myself with what I really know. Mindfucked. 

What I've been telling others are just like me reading from a book. I do not do what I tell. Fucking hypocrite you may think hahaha. I have a lot of ideas running at the back of my head. I'm smiling happily because I fucking know it's gonna make me feel so fucking good. It's these sick thoughts that are keeping me alive and motivated. Sometimes they're true, sometimes they're not. Nobody knows. Sometimes I've thought if talking to someone I can trust who understands in some way I want them to was as easy as writing them down here. Ironically, people are reading what I'm typing, I don't care but still it's so hard for me to open my god damn mouth. Actually I don't have to trust that person. And he/she doesn't have to understand what I'm going through. Hahaha I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. 

I have this feeling.
The kind that I don't want to say out because I forbid myself to.