It's been awhile since I last wrote a proper long post. I actually had another more personal one but then figured that, this blog was the start of everything really good and really bad that happened. So I should probably just stick to this.
I've been doing a lot of self reflecting recently, not that recently but yeah, almost on a regular, daily basis, on my way back in the bus or on my way to work. And it's always accompanied by my 'Study' playlist; Norah Jones, Damien Rice, Olivia Ong, Joshua Radin and some of Alain de Courtenay? Sometimes I can't stand my own sappiness I'd just switch to some happier songs or I'd just give up listening to any altogether.
How am I doing actually? I would not say it's good but I wouldn't complain it's bad. There are so many people out there having worst days than mine so I'm actually pretty grateful with the 'bad' days I have.
But then these few months back I've been contemplating whether to continue being nice to others or not, and I've been really a bitch with my words and remarks these few weeks. I've stopped showing emotions, sympathy, and empathy at times (?) even though, I really want to because it has stuck to me like an old habit. My sister flew back from Perth last week and few days back, on our way out for a drink, we decided to talk about my recent reckless, rude, aggressive, rebellious behavior. It has become so bad to the point where I just refuse to listen to any instruction because I refuse to listen and do everything as instructed.
Uz said he wants to be bad for once, and be an insensitive douchebag. I told him don't ever try to change himself. Having all those hatred and anger in you, it slowly eats you up and it's just f-ing messed up. I'm constantly switching between these two but somehow, I let the self destructive side of me take over eventually because for me, it just feels so damn good. It's a wrong and sick mentality, but that's what the society tells us. Nothing is truly right or wrong. But of course what I'm saying here is self destruction, not ruining other peoples' lives, that's just morally wrong. Honestly, until now, I have no idea what goes on in the head of those who recklessly break the trust of a close bond just for their own benefits. If I could, I wish to be as forgiving as I want to. Come to think of it, I did achieve that, when I first moved here, around that period. I was truly happy, feeling light, nothing bothers/worries me. I was still very faithful to my religion back then, my old entries tells me how much I had faith in God, it was so strong and certain that every single obstacle I face, something good just pops out and an awesome lesson learnt and I could just link everything to God's answers to all my prayers. And I just slipped. I tried. I did. But it wasn't as strong. And it got worst. Now statements and questions about my own religion and faith is the last thing I want to discuss about.
One thing my friend told me that will always stick in my head, "Kat, whatever you're looking for, is looking for you too." and recently out of the blue, he said that to me once again and I made a joke out of it about how I'm not having what I'm looking for and he replied with a stern look, "Kat, you're not looking. You're not. You're just being very fickle minded." He's probably right. I don't even know what I want. For now I'm just filling up all my time with a part time job. And almost every now and then, I crave for a drink. I crave for a smoke sometimes but so far, I'm still able to resist. This shall be my fifth attempt to quit.
You know the recent local production Ah Boys to Men? I was really swooned by the main actor, Joshua Tan (hahahah) and I stumbled upon his blog (he gave it out in his facebook fan page) and there was this entry that said out what I'm feeling at the moment. It was about how others find a need/must to say something negative to bring down your self esteem. My good friend is doing that to me very often recently, but lucky for me, I'm quite vain in a good way where I can don't give a shit about what others have to say about me. Or shall I say that I'm just too lazy to bother or respond? I find people like these are just pure childish and are low in self esteem themselves. There was a part he mentioned how good friends go overboard on jokes and I realised that's what I've been doing to Uz recently and I felt bad, so I'm gonna stop, even if it's a joke. He's a growing guy, I shouldn't say anything that makes him feel negative about his own image. I mean I'm not gonna be fake and say something nice for something that's not, just to be nice, but then, if I can't find something nice to say, why not I just don't say anything? Unless I really don't like you and it kills me to say something nice to you. :)
I have this thought. I just want to live up till 60 maybe. If I've got no family members left by then, I'd find a way to end my own life. I really don't want to get old. I love the elderly really, that's even why I signed up for geriatrics in the first place, but I don't want to be one of them. It's sad to see them, at this age, having no one to care for them. Not a family member bothers coming to see them. I know how they're expecting to grow old living with their children and grandchildren but even if the kids don't want them to move in, I'm very sure they love you enough to agree to not move in together but at least go visit them, have some outing or family day few times a week! Make them look forward to something! Urgh, this world is just too sick, everyone is so self absorbed. Anddd another reason to not have kids. Hmm, well if *touchwood* I do get married and have a kid, I would raise them exactly like how my parents raised us.
So here's my plan for the future. Graduate in 2014, finish my three year bond, get my Advance Diploma or Degree in Australia (maybe?), work 2-3 years in Australia, move to probably one or two more countries and gain some experience, continue until I'm probably 30-35 years old, (wonder if I still have a chance to be a tattoo artist by then), retire and be a volunteer nurse at war countries, die there or if I do survive, travel around the world up till 60. And die. HAHAHAHAH but then yeah, you get the rough idea of what I want to do in the future; gain experience, be a volunteer nurse in war countries, fill my whole body with tattoos, travel, retire early, die early.
Starting to get a little tipsy now. And hungry. Oh god. Goodnight.
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